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NEW YORK, NY - Linguists studying
the speech patterns of actor Sean Connery have made a breakthrough
that could explain the origins of the celebrity's notorious speech
impediment.
"Our investigation has
uncovered something remarkable about Mr. Connery," a
spokesperson from the Lewinsky Institute for Intrusive Throat and
Larynx Disorders in New York.
"It turns out that Mr. Connery
was born in Scotland. It must have happened in his childhood that he
was exposed to and acquired a foreign speech pattern disorder."
FSP disorders are common worldwide
in less developed countries than the United States. Experts believe
that as many as 80 percent of Scotlanders will pick up a FSP
disorder sometime in their lives.
Nobody is sure why so many
foreigners develop speech impediments, but what is known is that
Connery is not the only celebrity to have struggled with linguistic
illness.
American-born actor Mel Gibson
lived for some time in Australia where, experts say, he acquired a
particularly virulent strain of FSP that for many years hindered his
ability to make rational sense to normal people.
According to Gibson's agent, the
actor would often drink himself to despair from frustration.
"He kept talking about about dorty
choose when obviously he was requesting thirty two drinks or
thirty two asprins. You can imagine how frustrated he became. I
think he blamed his FSP disorder for pinning down his career and
keeping him from being famous."
Only after years of medicinal
alcohol and therapy has the actor been able to recover from his
disorder.
"Finally, Gibson is talking
like a normal American and, obviously, apologizing to the world for
getting a bit out-of-line now and then. This is an open-and-shut
case of normality, finally."
Experts say that FSP-related
miscommunication goes a long way to explain past comments of Sean
Connery's that were construed as 'sexist'. A genetic history
of FSPs might also explain why Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's
family has been so supportive of right-wing leaders for at least
three generations.
Lingusists, however, can't diagnose
Tom Cruises' notoriously aberrant public behavior as a linguistic
disorder.
"Oh no, not in his case - far
from suffering from a terrible FSP, Tom Cruise is, regrettably,
simply a fruitcake." |